This was taken last night. It doesn't seem so recent. It seems like forever ago, but it really was just last night that we were taking our last set of pictures on the deck and complaining about the humidity. It was only this morning that I was woken up in probably the best way I could have been woken to be led in the kitchen and wait for you to make me breakfast. And it was only this morning that I left, and not one hundred years ago like it feels.
There are three things I learned when I came home today from being with you these past two weeks. Three things I learned that, until today, I always thought I already knew.
1. Don't take things for granted. I've realized from being with you that sarcasm, strange jokes, and sexual innuendos can never be overused. Yet, it sometimes annoyed me when I was there. Sometimes, I found your jokes too mean or too literal, or just way out of line. And I'd stay annoyed at you for a while. You know what else I realized? I'm addicted to blogging. I think we each spent thirty minutes to an hour on the computer just checking things. Thirty minutes each day for two weeks adds up to seven hours, one hour each day adds up to fourteen hours. And lastly, the times we missed 12:21. Each time we missed it, I thought to myself, "It's okay. We'll just catch it tomorrow." Because we had so much time. We had two full weeks together. But there are huge flaws in all of these. I wish I didn't spend so much time and energy being annoyed with you. Now, the only thing I'm annoyed about is the fact that I was annoyed in the first place. Even if we did only spend thirty minutes on the computer each day instead of an hour, that's seven hours I could have spent with you instead of with my eyes plastered to against the screen or waiting for yours not to be. And lastly, I wish I didn't just shrug it off whenever we missed 12:21. I wish I just went up to you and kissed you anyway, despite the sadness in the time. Because I shouldn't have cared that it was 12:22 or later. I still loved you as much as 12:21 represents, and so I should have done what I would have done if we didn't miss it.
And looking back on my wasted time, I feel slightly more emptier than I did the previous times I've had to leave, as if I could have had more things to reminisce about and be happy remembering. And now that you aren't with me, I just feel so empty. I'll never take you for granted again.
2. Live for the moment. I guess this kind of goes with the first one because it's the same reasons that made me realize this. I suppose part of me will always have worries, but seeing that I've taken you for granted has made me realize that I should stop worrying about the future. I know I'll look back on it and regret it. In the times where I was just happy with you and not taking everything for granted, those are the times I smile when looking back on. All the other stuff doesn't matter, it doesn't stick out at all. And also, that we don't have to rush things. We don't have to take anything further or faster just because we've been together for a long time. We could stay the way we are for years if we wanted, or not. It all depends on what happens.
Living for the moment goes hand in hand with something else, too. And that something else is that it's the little things matter most. Some of my favorite memories from these past two weeks are things that you probably don't find very significant. Like when I climb in beside you in bed in the morning to fall asleep with you, or when we came back from going to the drive-in with Nick and I was freezing so we cuddled on the couch in an effort to warm me up, and at the end of the concert when I had my head on your shoulder and just listened to you sing along to Disturbed. Those moments are ones that I won't forget. Ever. Whether you found them remotely important or not.
3. Smile. That's probably a really bad title for this one, but I really didn't know what to call it. Basically, I want to make you happy. I know that I've probably said that a million times already, but this is something different. It's more than just making you happy, it's the fact that that's all that matters. That I don't even think about my happiness anymore. I know that's a contradiction because I said above that I've taken you for granted, but there are reasons why I didn't straight out tell you when I was annoyed. It's because I wanted to make you happy, and I wasn't thinking about myself (I know that's a bad example, but stay with me).
Also, I think this is because your happiness is mine. Every time you smiled, I would too. Because I love seeing you in a good mood, and content with life. And I don't even care if I'm the cause of it or not. As long as you are happy, I am too. And hell, even if you aren't smiling, I will anyway, in hopes that maybe you'll smile back, because maybe you feel this same feeling for me. So, maybe instead of saying I learned how to smile, I should have said I learned how to be happy, because that's really what you taught me how to do.
My darling, I sincerely think you are the sweetest and most wonderful thing to ever walk this planet. I love and miss you so much.
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